


scared of pretty girls and starting conversations

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Asexual Character, F/F, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 12:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5456816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suzanne’s never been quite sure if sex is a thing she’s supposed to <em>want</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	scared of pretty girls and starting conversations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zopponde](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zopponde/gifts).



> _Orange is the New Black_ characters do not belong to me and I am making no money off this work of fan fiction.
> 
> Content warning: single-line reference to sex as abuse initiated by person in position of authority.
> 
> * * *

Suzanne’s never been quite sure if sex is a thing she’s supposed to _want_.

Some of the others sure make it look like a desirable thing, or at least something they can do to piss off the guards, or to pass the time.

Sex is a thing that makes Nicky—who Suzanne sometimes thinks of as the white Crazy Eyes—loudly happy but also angry and sad. So why does she want it so much?

Sex is a thing that Big Boo turns into a competition, a game that Suzanne sometimes observes from the sidelines, wondering just what’s so appealing about it, kind of like she sometimes wonders what the point of football is.

Sex is a thing that Pornstache uses against some of them like tasers or nightsticks, which is a strike against it if ever Suzanne could think of one.

Suzanne has prison wives, her best beloved women to protect and to cherish. If they expect something physical from her, or if she’s supposed to expect something physical from them, then it just never quite happens. She just doesn’t feel sexy for them, or even for herself the way that pretty much everyone she’s overheard making noises in the night does.

She thinks maybe it could happen with Dandelion, but then that dream of fine-spun fluff blows clean away, blown away by the black-haired whirlwind.

She starts reading what she can scrounge up in the library, since her real life observations are pretty clearly biased given the context of most of the sexual encounters she witnesses or hears about. But the answer doesn’t seem to be in _Fifty Shades of Grey_ or _What’s Happening To Me?_ Both of them give her the notion that sex is a thing that happens to everyone, but she already knows that part.

The other women who have read _Fifty Shades_ have talked about getting off on it, but all it does for Suzanne is make her wonder how come the phenomenon of taking no to mean yes appeals to people. Then she feels guilty because she can think of times where she kept asking until no turned into yes-okay-just-shut- _up_ -Suzanne.

Poussey hauls her out of the library corner where she’s banging her head against the wall and asks her what’s gotten into her, but Suzanne can’t explain it.

She starts writing the _Time Hump Chronicles_ because it’s homework she’s gotta do, but also because maybe this way she can find out what other people _really_ think about sex when they read it, when it’s on the page and not in the showers or the broom closet.

Turns out they’re pretty big fans. Who knew?

Then Maureen happens to her. Maureen is pretty and sweet and soft and her smile is a glow drawing Suzanne gently to her, not a giant burning sun. She is the sunbeams, not the sun itself. When she suggests more girl-on-girl action in the story, it seems like the best editorial note ever, especially when punctuated by the cheek kiss. Definitely more constructive than nag nag nagging for the next chapter. Maureen doesn’t want to pester a yes out of her when Suzanne wants to say no, either in the story or in life.

Suzanne’s scared to answer the wanting-sex question with Maureen, but at least now she knows Maureen is there to go with her down the maybe-path and find out.


End file.
